5 Steps to Freedom Through Compassion and Forgiveness
Today I want to reframe our ideas around compassion and forgiveness.
I believe that these acts can provide us with profound healing and true freedom, but only when we understand what true compassion and forgiveness means, and when we approach it with authentic intention.
Most of what we know about compassion and forgiveness has been passed down to us through the generations, and for some of us, we've just accepted that we know all there is to know.
But do we actually know it all, or are old viewpoints holding us back?
Let’s explore…
It’s commonly understood that forgiveness is to grant someone our grace and mercy for an act they took against us.
We understand compassion to be having empathy and kindness toward another, especially when they are vulnerable.
These are not wrong interpretations, but I would like to introduce a new one:
A Course in Miracles highlights the idea, that: “Forgiveness is a shift in perception that removes a block in me to my awareness of love’s presence.”
Forgiveness then, is a tool for healing our negative emotions so we can create life on our own terms, free from resentment and anger. Compassion is the doorway that starts the process.
In this interpretation, instead of projecting forgiveness outward, we can actually direct it inward, beginning with compassion.
When we allow compassion for ourselves and others, forgiveness becomes possible. And forgiveness then allows us freedom from the negative emotions that hurt us.
When compassion opens the door to forgiveness, it allows us to live an internal frequency that is kind, loving and aligns with the good things we want in life.
And the great thing is, once you are filled with compassion and forgiveness yourself, everyone else automatically receives your grace and kindness as a positive side-effect. It’s a win-win.
Following the steps below, you can use forgiveness and compassion as personal healing tools to simultaneously elevate your experience and that of everyone around you.
Five Steps to Freedom Through Forgiveness:
1.) Recognize where you are holding resentment, anger or tension.
For example, you may have an old friend or family member who hurt you, and it still makes you feel angry or betrayed.
Choose to let compassion for yourself rise up. Decide it is not your burden to carry any longer and that you are worthy of letting this go.
2.) Identify what the source of that emotion is.
Maybe there is a part of you that feels insecure or not enough, and this person’s actions highlighted that negative belief.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that what the other person did was OK or that you have to make it OK in your mind.
Forgiveness means letting go, if you have been holding on to the resentment to punish them, make yourself right, and refute the feeling that maybe you aren’t enough.
3.) Decide if that is the frequency you want to create more of in your life.
Nelson Mandela said "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." Recognize that holding on to your anger is only hurting you, and keeping you on the frequency of negativity.
You are constantly punishing yourself in the name of punishing them. Is that what you want to create more of in your life?
When you choose forgiveness, you release them from the prison of your mind and you no longer have to live in that prison as the jailor. And, forgiveness sets you free from the frequency of harboring resentment, having to be right, and proving you’re enough.
4.) Ask, “Am I willing to forgive for the purpose of being compassionate to myself?”
If you do not want to live in the frequency of anger, resentment and negativity, it’s time to forgive. And, why it matters, is that the energy that you could be using to build your dreams and take action on what matters to you, is currently being used to hold on to the resentment. If we want a larger life that includes greater freedom, joy, love and prosperity, we must align ourselves with that from the inside and forgiveness helps us to expand our hearts and minds so that we can allow the good that is here, in!
This is how you give compassion to yourself and affirm that you are more than the circumstances that happened and the story you told yourself about what it meant. You become free.
5.) Write a letter of forgiveness.
This is not a letter that you send, it is simply a confirmation of forgiveness and compassion.
Write a letter to whoever you are choosing to forgive in order to set yourself free. Tell them about how you felt hurt, betrayed, or not enough. Focus on the emotions that not only ring true, but that you feel especially vulnerable about.
Give compassion to yourself for the pain you endured, and give compassion to them for their own pain that caused them to act the way they did toward you.
Free them completely from the prison of your mind and wish them well. Not sarcastically or passive-aggressively, but with complete absolution and love.
Write down the frequency of thoughts and emotions you are now choosing instead, such as “I am loved, I am worthy and I am much more than enough. I choose to love myself and have total compassion for all that I have experienced in my life. I am grateful for the opportunity to grow into the incredible person I have become.”
Sign the letter and burn it to complete the process.
* * *
Do you see how forgiveness actually has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with you?
When you choose to be compassionate toward yourself, you affirm that you are willing to release the past, and allow yourself the benefit of operating from a positive state of mind. That is where healing occurs.
You deserve to focus your mind on the good things, and create from that place, rather than focus on the negative and create from that place. The life you build will look completely different.
One last tip before you go: If it feels very difficult to forgive, know that this is OK. It is not a one-time event but a process and it takes time.
Here's a meditation that I use myself and support my clients in using as well that has helped so much in this process. It comes from His Holiness The Dalai Lama and it's his "Loving Kindness Metta Meditation."
First, you think this toward yourself:
- May I be truly happy. May I live in peace. May I live in love. May I know the power of forgiveness. May I live in recognition that my life has deep meaning, and good purpose.
Then, you think this toward another whom you love (like a spouse, your child or a good friend):
- May __ be truly happy. May __ live in peace. May __ live in love. May __ know the power of forgiveness. May __ live in recognition that his/her life has deep meaning, and good purpose.
Finally, you think this towards the person who has been difficult to forgive:
- May __ be truly happy. May __ live in peace. May __ live in love. May __ know the power of forgiveness. May __ live in recognition that his/her life has deep meaning, and good purpose.
These practices will feel emotional and intense, but worthwhile, and I hope you find freedom in this process. You are worthy of that and so much more.