How To Tell If Your Inner Circle Is Helping Or Hindering Your Goals
Show me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are.
Proverb
You have probably heard this saying before, as it has been repeated again and again since ancient times, in literature, folklore, research studies and personal development.
It sort of makes sense. But I was skeptical about this, as you might be too.
Thankfully, I found some interesting research that can help us understand this idea, and give us some insight into how we can use it to be more aligned to our purpose, passion and vision.
You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.
Jim Rohn
The people who you are closest to in your life, who you look to for a shared sense of lifestyle, values, beliefs, social norms and behavior, are known as your “reference group.”
These are the people that we use as a standard to compare ourselves to, giving us a reference point to our own behavior, beliefs, values and lifestyle.
In the real world this can look like people trying to “keep up with the Joneses” i.e. trying to emulate their neighbor’s, friend’s or colleague’s lifestyle in order to be accepted and approved of by the reference group.
It can also look like people trying really hard to break the cycle of poverty, debt or fear that they were born into, yet getting sucked back in because they feel guilty for abandoning the tribe, or like a fraud for thinking they can be different than their reference group.
That’s why it can feel difficult to change our habits or work toward a goal when everything else in our lives is staying the same.
It’s like having a thermostat set to 72 and trying to operate your life at 80. The thermostat is going to try to keep settling back to 72 as you keep pushing to defy it.
Dr. David McClelland of Harvard did a 25-year study on the characteristics of achievement-motivated people.
He discovered that your “reference group” is the single most important factor in success, and it determines as much as 95 percent of your success or failure in life.
So it’s not just a clever saying, or catchy idea. There is real substance to it.
Furthermore, Dr. McClelland suggests that every turning point in your life coincides with the appearance of new friends, partners or associates
Think back to a time where you went away to college, started a new job, or moved to a different city or country.
In a way, didn’t you become a different version of yourself, with a new way of seeing the world and a new reference point for success?
When we change our social environment or work environment, we find ourselves in a new routine, and with different goals, aspirations and perspective on achievement.
You need to surround yourself with people with the same goals and aspirations, not with the same problems.
Dr. Denis Waitley
So if you find yourself in a situation where no one around you shares your beliefs, goals or values, and you find yourself compromising yourself to match them, it’s time to get a new reference point, or at least expand it.
It doesn’t mean your friends or family are bad or even wrong, your soul is just calling out for something different.
And you don't have to immediately quit your job, leave your partner or move to a new city.
But it is time to seek out people, experiences and environments that match your vision.
Here are a few tips to get started:
Write out your goals, values and overall vision for your life.
Be on the lookout for people, groups and opportunities that match that vision.
Pay close attention and notice people who you make yourself small around to match their energy, as opposed to people who make you more expansive, uplifted and inspired.
Spend more time surrounded by what uplifts you, and less time with what deflates you. Virtual groups and resources that support your vision can be helpful, too.
Instead of focusing on everything in your life that you need to get rid of, which can be overwhelming, simply make your vision your priority and prioritize the people, places and opportunities that get you there.
Little by little, your life will be more filled by what supports you, and what drains you will begin to occupy less and less of your time and attention.